Thursday, July 26, 2012

Walking on a treadmill

Just recently, the girl I spent almost half of my teenage years chasing celebrated her birthday. And for the first time, I let the day pass with no happy birthday wish. I always used to stay up to be the first to text her at midnight. Usually I'd get a "Thanks" about thirty minutes later which I would stay up for too. One time it was "Why do you always have to  be right on midnight?" That kind of hurt. Like my extra efforts to make her feel appreciated were just harming her. That night we fought it out through a 165 character limit, something we happened to do often. I never liked that she made all her questions into knives.
   It's an almost insignificant event to not wish her a happy birthday, but it's paired with something larger. I always fought for her, and always did everything I could to make her happy because I felt all of my effort would prove I could be good enough for her. I was so wrong back then. I could name so many things I liked about her, but she never had much to say about me. That doesn't mean she's better than me. I now know it's because I search for everything good in everyone. That's just who I am, I don't believe in bad people, just good people with no other choice. It's naive and wrong, but to me everyone gets a chance to prove their worth. Sometimes I do become biased though, like how I was just trying to justify my feelings for her.
     I had friends along the way, telling me I deserved better, I deserved someone who could see everything I am. I never took comfort in their words, they're obligated to say things like that. Recently, I had an almost stranger tell me the exact same thing. and it was different, like the concept of me being better was brand new. Someone who had such a small picture of who I was, made such a bold statement. It was the first time I was reassured that I am the person I think I am.I took this person's words to heart.
     Yet there's still doubt in me, even if I know I deserve someone better, someone who will return the love. All these small steps may help me travel distances, but I'm not going anywhere, or at least not getting away from her. Maybe, love doesn't go away. and I think I loved her. Love may diminish, it may go to the back of your mind, but it's still there, just drowned out by other things. No matter where I go from here, she'll always mean something to me.There will always be a little part of my heart, somewhere in the left ventricle dedicated just to her.

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