Thursday, October 18, 2012

A long stumble

                It’s been a while since I’ve written in my blog. It’s been a while since I felt like I’ve done anything. I had some great times with my friends over the past few weeks but there’s almost no sense of accomplishment. I just always caught myself making excuses to not lift, or not study, or not work. It’s showing in everything I do, my performance on the two midterms I had this week was way under the prestige of my university and myself. I can see why there are so many students I silently shake my head at when midterm grades come in. It’s easy to not perform your best especially when you have the sense that you’re in a good spot. Complacency is a buzz kill.
                Why should I push myself harder? I’m already an honor student, I already landed an interview for another internship. I guess when I’m aspiring towards the top ranks, the only thing on my mind is that I need to be the best. When I’m in a position where I’m a head, I relax and let things pan out on their own. It’s so much easier to just give yourself a break because you think you deserve it.
You can’t finish a marathon if you’re happy running 25 miles. You still have 1.2 miles to go. 1.2 miles, statistically most Americans can’t do that by itself. Yet you just did it over 20 fucking times, how hard can the last one be?
That’s the thought process I need. I’ll probably never run a marathon, but I need to instill the idea that everything I do to better myself is amazing; pushing myself to the limit to get better is all worth it in the end. I can’t announce “I’ve tried my best, gave it my all, now is the time to quit.” I didn’t try my best, I didn’t give it my all if I’m still sane enough to quit.
I used to feel drive to read all my textbooks, do all the homework, workout, talk with friends  and I still got eight hours of sleep. Now, I see myself putting off everything, because I think “I perform better when I’m rested.” I know my body, I know my mind, and a good night’s sleep is more beneficial than a night of cramming, but I had time to sleep when I pushing myself too. Complacency seeps in so quickly, but you don’t always see the results instantly. That’s what makes getting back so much harder, you don’t see results of pushing yourself either. I’ve stumbled through the last weeks and had some fun, but it’s time to put my head down and run myself into the ground, or to the top, whichever I can handle. Looks like bloons tower defense 5 will have to take a backseat for now, because I have shit to do.