I am a tourist

                That’s what I am, right now it’s all I am, and it feels great. Death Cab for Cutie’s “You are a tourist” has been my soundtrack for the past eight weeks, and it’s really something I’m living. I never had that strong of a desire to leave the USA, but an opportunity rose, and I took it because I could benefit greatly. Here I am eight weeks after arriving in Metro Manila, just one week from leaving, and it’s where I want to call home.

Ben Gibbard has it right, “When you feel just like a tourist, in the city you were born, it’s time to go.” I finally did leave the town where I was born in. It took me leaving to learn that my hometown broke my heart. Amidst a barrage of family and emotional problems, were little glimmers of hope, egging me on to stay a bit longer. I always listened; I had nowhere else to go.

When there's a doubt within your mind

Because you're thinking all the time

Framing rights into wrongs

Move along, move along

Minus the few good friends, I was distanced from everyone there.  I felt like I didn’t belong there, sometimes like I didn’t belong with my family. It tore me apart to wake up to the same situation as the day before and have nowhere to get away from it. I guess that’s the problem with small towns, there are secluded areas, but everyone knows where they are, where I would be. I spent all my thinking I was the problem. Thinking everything I did was a mistake.

When there's a burning in your heart

An endless yearning in your heart

Build it bigger than the sun

Let it grow, let it grow

                There was a burning in my heart. A burning to outgrow my hometown and the obstacles it put in my way and be my own person. I don’t want to be stuck there. Everyone else lives there, I’m stuck there. Not for long I hope. I don’t have the need to travel, just the need to find a home. Champaign (where my university is) is nice, but it’s too close, I’m afraid a false hope will lead me back. I can’t fall for the silly little things that brought me happiness. There is so much more to be had. Especially for me. That yearning in my heart, it’s all about finding a place to belong, it was growing, but there’s no need anymore.

                I found a place where I belong. Maybe THE place I belong, there’s a lot in the states I haven’t seen. Metro Manila feels right for me. As I’ve said before, they feel like my people, like I belong. And I want to so badly, a place where I can leave all my struggles behind. The only thing is that would mean leaving my friends behind. Nine weeks ago, I was having hard time thinking about traveling to another country. Now all I can think about is how much I want to live here (I'll finish college first). I can only hope the opposite of Death Cab’s statement is true too. If you feel just like a native, in a city where you’re a tourist, it’s time to stay.

I think it’s time to stay.