And good
times were had by all
There had been an increase in
monthly envelope expenditure in both the Shilling and Redding residence. The
Shilling family resided at 107 S. Truman St while the Reddings resided at 109. The
Shilling place was a modest two bedroom one bathroom Ranch house. It was plain white with a single green door in
the exact center of the face and a window on each side to maintain symmetry.
Steven and Cathy Schilling resided quietly at 107 S. Truman with their only
child Alexander Schilling. Alexander was
in every way extremely average. Nothing he had done in his seventeen years of
existence ever angered his parents or ever excited his parents. Even his birth
was regarded as one of the most mediocre moments in Cathy Shilling’s life.
The Redding place was a more
extravagant four bedroom two bathroom Tudor revival with a nice patterned brick
façade. James and Emma Redding had six children from ages nine to eighteen.
Ashley Redding was eighteen and future trophy wife in training. School wasn’t
nearly as hard when eager teenage boys did all the work. Claire Redding at
sixteen was often viewed as the “go ask your father… Well what did you mother
say” child. Not much is known about Claire Redding except for that she exists. Sophie
Redding age fourteen was a much more interesting girl and found passion in
intricate (though not good) watercolor paintings and decadent (though not good)
cupcake creations. Adler, Chris, and
Skylar were the triplet boys at age nine. James had so desperately begged for a
chance to have a boy and eventually Emma gave in. Some parents are blessed
enough to receive multiple children when they ask for one, others are cursed
enough to receive multiple children when they ask for one. James and Emma were
one of each, respectively. Luckily, Emma had the cunning to have the first
initials of ACS, which only she ( and now you the reader, and myself the omniscient
narrator) knows stands for All Children Suck, All. Children. Suck.
Back to the envelope problem (which
James Redding insisted on pronouncing ONvelope). Both Steven Schilling and
James Redding used about half of a 50 pack of envelopes per month. Curiously,
over the past two months, both noticed approximately four fifths (40 envelopes
for those lacking in mathematical abilities) of a pack was used every month. If
we assume a pack of envelopes is reasonably priced at $5 (10 cents per ‘lope),
and each is losing fifteen envelopes per month, than Steve and James have
suffered a loss of $3 each. Quite an interesting problem, indeed. Cathy
Schilling had no use for envelopes because she secretly stole an envelope every
day from Landshire Holdings, where she works as a secretary. Cathy Schilling has
stolen enough envelopes over the past ten years to reach a total envelope value
of three hundred four dollars and twenty cents (this is enough to be charged
with felony theft in Illinois. Cathy Schilling is a bad girl that needs to be
spanked). Emma Redding had no use for envelopes because she discovered they
were no good for assisting in adultery. She found the cellular phone to be much
more efficient and enjoyable in communicating the desire to “bone” as she
eloquently said softly to her suitor Charlie Quiver (whom resided at 108 S.
Truman St.).
Once again back to envelope problem,
(as I got lost in the outstandingly uninteresting lives of the wives on S.
Truman St.). Where dem ‘lopes gone too? Would be a question a less educated
male would ask; however, Steven and James both attended the prestigious
University of Phoenix Online. Let us drop in as the Steven Schilling tries to
solve the problem.
“Had you have been using my envelopes?” (That's almost English Steven, good job.) Steven asked Alexander.
“Yes.” Alexander replied.
Well that solves that problem.
Alexander has been using them. Now if only we understood why…
“I’ve been using them to write to
Claire Redding.” Alexander continued to explain to his father.
Mystery solved, I guess. Let’s see
if James can figure his problem out.
“Ashley! Have you seen Claire?”
James asked her daughter sitting in the living room.
“I am Claire. “ Claire responded.
“Okay, well if you see Claire, ask
if she’s been using my envelopes.”
“I have been using them. But only to
write to Alexander Schilling.”
Really? I was hoping there was some
sort of love triangle. What an uneventful situation. I hope Alexander is a
vampire or something. I guess we will dive deeper into the lives of Alexander
and Claire to expose their vampire-human love to the world (assuming Alexander is
a vampire).
Alexander sat at the oak stained
desk in his room, furiously writing a letter. It read:
Dearest Claire,
When will I see you again? The wait between visits slowly tears at my
weak heart. I can only hope to live long enough to see you once more. Alas, the
war rages on and my English brothers are losing their will to survive. Talk of
a German surrender is common, but we both know I’m not that lucky.
Regards,
Alexander
Schilling
Infantry,
King’s Division
Alexander Schilling is no vampire;
he is just a weird kid. I can’t imagine how Claire could stand such weirdness
after two months. Alexander sealed his letter in an envelope and left his room
to deliver it through the backyard fence that Emma Redding insisted on being
built between the Schillings and Reddings. At 4:07 pm Alexander slipped the
envelope between the fifth and sixth post of the fence. Alex then did a triple
knock on the fence followed by a “cha, cha, cha” and a meow. This signal was
awkward an unnecessary as Claire stood on the other side of the fence at 4:07
pm as previously communicated through letters.
Claire snagged the letter and
scampered (I’m not sure what scampering looks like, but I felt like that was it)
inside. She took it to her upstairs room and read it. Then she read it again.
And once more before she held it tightly to her heart (well, where she believed
her heart is. She’s wrong.) Claire wrote back and violated the one letter per
day rule. At 5: 03pm Claire snuck her letter between the sixth and seventh post
of the fence to signal that the letter was written by Claire and not Alexander (even
though he should probably remember if he wrote the letter regardless of what
posts it is in between).
Alexander went to the backyard
quickly to pick up the letter, as if he had been staring out his window waiting
for a letter for almost one hour (that’s weird Alexander, don’t do that.) Alexander
went back inside and took the letter to room where he read:
Dear
Alexander,
You’re
quite funny. Let’s make out.
Sincerely,
Claire.
That is where we end the story.
Maybe we will pick up the story again when I don’t have to narrate an awkward
first kiss between two weird kids that will probably never find anyone else
that is attracted to them. Not to be too critical or anything.
And good times were had by all. The End
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