To continuously be selfless will result in having no self

The quote of the week for me “The kindest people are often the most depressed.” This is true to a larger extent than I want to believe. Thoughts like that kill the spirits of the endangered romantic. A dying breed most known for flocking together and just hoping that one day everything will be okay. Sometimes not much more can be done than just hoping. After a long conversation about what the “right” thing to do is, I came up with a thought for the selfless, and those that believe in a romanticized happy future.

                Selflessness is the most dangerous compassionate act. It’s more than just refusing to throw others under the bus, it’s throwing yourself in their place. Actively harming your well-being to protect others. It sounds like the right thing to do, it shows concern and love. Yet, it creates no sense of self, it creates  “I’m not happy unless you’re happy.” To continuously be selfless will result in having no self.  I guess it is in the name. Your identity merges with those you love, and you measure your success through their success, even though their success may not benefit you in any other way. You’re happy because they’re happy, and they’re happy because good things happen to them. A little bit down the road, you’re unhappy because you’re so financially, mentally, emotionally (whatever it may be) drained, that you can longer support them. They’re unhappy because bad things happen and you can’t support them.  Maybe there was a time and place when selfless acts were appreciated and would always benefit everyone, but it’s no longer that time, and this world is no longer that place.

                So there’s no happiness in acting for others benefit? That’s not true at all. Much like everything else great in life, moderation is key. Spend that bonus you got on a stranger in a hard time, or spend the little free time you have calling a friend.  But if you work hard so you can afford a jet ski, when you get enough money to buy a jet ski, buy the jet ski. Even if you have a friend struggling, it may just be best to let them ride your jet ski instead of giving up your happiness for theirs.  There is value in giving to others, but if you don’t value yourself occasionally, you’ll have nothing to give.  I guess the best advice for the selfless is the same advice for the selfish. Share the wealth.

It’s summertime and I clearly want to ride a jet ski.  

Advice to contemplate and ultimately ignore

At age twenty, I know just a little over zero information. I’ve lived all sorts of experiences and to be honest, the best advice I can give you is keep going. And I mean for it to be that vague. It’s okay to stop and collect your thoughts, it’s okay to smell the roses, it’s okay to backtrack and try again for something you’ve missed.Just keep in the back of your mind that even though you can go at your own pace, you should never give up on moving forward.

                Keep going. There is a better moment waiting ahead. There is a better place somewhere out there. I don’t think “best moment of my life” applies to anyone; every single second you exist there is another opportunity to have something better. This life defining moment that we search for weighs down our mind. In hopes of achieving that moment, we ignore all splendor of the moments passing by. Once we experience a moment deemed worthy of life defining, we negatively judge every other second from then on. I’m not saying achieving your biggest dream is worthless; it just defines who you are. How is that bad? I’m not sure, but to me, I don’t want to be defined by one or two moments. I want my life to be a continuous stream of reaching new greatness, experiencing new things and old things. I want to extend past the regular dreams and find a constant state of amazement. We can only achieve this if we keep going.

To the girl crying outside

 Dear leopard print heels,

                It’s winter. Come inside. I don’t have any more trash to bring to the dumpster. You had to be a little curious why I’ve already taken four trips. I’m sorry I had no words to console you, or I would have. It’s a shame I couldn’t find the strength to help you. The thought of my mistake will keep me awake in the absence of your sobbing. Please don’t take whatever happened to you tonight as a representation of the life ahead. The future is brighter and hopefully warmer (though maybe a coat would be a good idea).

Sincerely,

Concerned boy at Apt 101

New Tracks

                It feels like my old friends that I see all the time, change all the time. The old friends I have and hardly ever see haven’t changed at all. I just have a feeling that everyone is on a completely different track than what they set out on. I may have a little bit more cargo than before, but I’m still that same 6:03am AMTRAK destined to arrive in Chicago at 9:30. Everyone around is on different paths now and I feel left behind.

                I guess resistance to change is what makes bigots, it’s what makes the ignorance that we scoff at in our history books. So am I any better for choosing to stay true to the person I decided to be when I was teenager? No. I think my morals are little stronger now, and that’s why I feel like I’m better. Maybe it’s just pretentiousness that makes me feel like I need to be the voice of reason with friends that have been acting different.

                In my eyes all I could see is old friends slowly ticking time off their life. Yet they only ever thought of it as an escape in troubling times. And I pressured them to shape up. Times were tough, and I made it harder. As I sit here staring into a framed picture with my best friend and the word “Family” written on the frame, I feel like that I’ve been anything but a brother.

                My point is, how far is too far in intervention? Am I over stepping my bounds and stopping my ever changing best friend from being who she wants to be? Everyone is inconsistent; it’s a  universal laws of personality and communication. I’m no better by pointing out inconsistency. I can’t stop people changing, but I can’t just change with them, how do I prioritize my identity with the people I love? Luckily, this time I wasn't really left behind, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe. Maybe it’s inevitable that old high school friends part ways, but I’ll never give up until the very last railroad tie.

Reasons to be afraid

                I’ve always been told that my writing was great, that I always had a way with the words I chose. Not once in my life has someone read something I put my heart into and told me “This is bad. I don’t like your ideas or writing style.” And that scares me.

                I know what a huge problem to have, no one has ever disliked my writing. Yet the more I think about it the more it eats away at me. Good writers get the readers to think. Great writers get readers to act. Lately I’ve been reading Hemingway, and all I could think about was how good it was, how involved in the story I got. I stumbled across a few negative reviews and spent the time to read them. The first thought of course was how ignorant and aggressive people like that are, but it can also be something so different. Even for the people spewing hate, Hemingway made them act. His words were so powerful to extend  past the pages and into life. I know I remember the books I hate just as much as the books I love.

                Where’s my haters? I don’t have anyone yet. There’s just a small chance that everything I write is eloquent and the reader is completely swayed by me. There’s a larger chance that everyone I know is so civilized they don’t want to attack my dreams. I don’t believe in either of that. The reason that runs through my head the most is lack of presence. That everything I say is “so nice” and calm that the reader feels just a little bit stronger than indifferent. Where’s the power? I’m afraid my writing is so “cookie cutter” that I’m not saying anything truly new. It’s not like cookies taste worse with a cookie cutter, but it takes away from the power of creation. Which is a shame, because this whole blog is about me saying something new, saying something important to someone and having it stick with them for life.

                Nothing important is ever agreed upon. That’s why there are so many power struggles. People shouldn’t be reading my writing and always think “that was interesting.” I want just once for someone to honestly disagree with what I have to say, that way I know my words hold power. Maybe like many others I’m just a little tired of excelling but not changing anything.

A long stumble

                It’s been a while since I’ve written in my blog. It’s been a while since I felt like I’ve done anything. I had some great times with my friends over the past few weeks but there’s almost no sense of accomplishment. I just always caught myself making excuses to not lift, or not study, or not work. It’s showing in everything I do, my performance on the two midterms I had this week was way under the prestige of my university and myself. I can see why there are so many students I silently shake my head at when midterm grades come in. It’s easy to not perform your best especially when you have the sense that you’re in a good spot. Complacency is a buzz kill.

                Why should I push myself harder? I’m already an honor student, I already landed an interview for another internship. I guess when I’m aspiring towards the top ranks, the only thing on my mind is that I need to be the best. When I’m in a position where I’m a head, I relax and let things pan out on their own. It’s so much easier to just give yourself a break because you think you deserve it.

You can’t finish a marathon if you’re happy running 25 miles. You still have 1.2 miles to go. 1.2 miles, statistically most Americans can’t do that by itself. Yet you just did it over 20 fucking times, how hard can the last one be?

That’s the thought process I need. I’ll probably never run a marathon, but I need to instill the idea that everything I do to better myself is amazing; pushing myself to the limit to get better is all worth it in the end. I can’t announce “I’ve tried my best, gave it my all, now is the time to quit.” I didn’t try my best, I didn’t give it my all if I’m still sane enough to quit.

I used to feel drive to read all my textbooks, do all the homework, workout, talk with friends  and I still got eight hours of sleep. Now, I see myself putting off everything, because I think “I perform better when I’m rested.” I know my body, I know my mind, and a good night’s sleep is more beneficial than a night of cramming, but I had time to sleep when I pushing myself too. Complacency seeps in so quickly, but you don’t always see the results instantly. That’s what makes getting back so much harder, you don’t see results of pushing yourself either. I’ve stumbled through the last weeks and had some fun, but it’s time to put my head down and run myself into the ground, or to the top, whichever I can handle. Looks like bloons tower defense 5 will have to take a backseat for now, because I have shit to do.