The Small Things

                There’s that cliché “don’t sweat the small stuff.” It has some value; I mean there really isn’t much of a reason to be nervous about little mistakes that everyone makes. Yet, I’ve found it’s all the small things that make everything worthwhile. Like on my last day in the Philippines, my cousin got all of his friends that I met to text me. Each text wished me a safe flight and they all said goodbye in a way that only they could. I’ve only been around these people 2-3 times each, but their personal messages still felt so endearing. Like every person sent their whole personality in 200 characters or less. I cried, I’ll admit that. Saying goodbye to my family was tough enough, but to get unexpected goodbyes from people I hardly know was very touching for me. It just reaffirms all my beliefs in human kind, that people will be good if they have a chance. You can even see how strongly it affected me in the post I wrote the day I left (Iniwan ko ang aking puso sa Metro Manila).

                That’s not it though, other small things can be just as touching and not a word needs to be said or written. The day I got back, my friends didn’t just hug me. They did that lame run and jump hug you see on TV, but it didn’t matter if it was cheesy, it made me brighten up so much more. There was just a little bit more effort in their hugs, but it translated to a much larger effect. I can’t help but smile more than I ever have, to know that I’m missed. Their running hugs showed me that who I am is a part of their life, and when I’m gone there is a hole in their life. I mean I’m sad there’s a gap for them, but I’m happy that I get to fill it. They also may have wanted the gifts that they knew I’d buy them, but I like to think the gifts are there to return the hapiness.

                In the end, don’t sweat the small stuff, because those little mistakes, those little things you do without thinking are the things that make you, you. Making everything perfect just takes away the personalization, and you can feel it in things like music created by computers, not humans. It’s all interesting, that all this effort can go into some big project, but the small things are what makes it really special. I love all typos in texting, and bad handwriting and silly smiley face emoticons, it all just makes the world feel right.

Goodbye to Good People.

                My internship just ended. It makes me feel empty knowing I may never see the ten or more people that I interacted with for twenty three days. I never got a sense of who they were, just how they acted.  They were all interesting people, good people. Everyone was different, each a lifetime of different experiences mixed together. I’ll never even get a real taste of what they lived. They have their own stories to tell, and I’m sure they’re all worth listening to. Every person I cross paths with have experienced so much that I have not. When someone walks by, I’m missing out on so much. How they survive, who they love, little pieces of advice they have to give, it’s all just walking by and I never stop to ask them about it. Maybe it’s strange to get personal with new people, but maybe it’s the best way to learn. For example, in my internship, everyone clearly had more knowledge than me, but I didn’t have the time to ask to share their knowledge, or even their opinions.

                I guess it is humbling thinking there are 7 billion people. Each one is like a book, some similar, but none the same. There’s just so much to each one, but there’s only ever time to see the cover. Sometimes there’s enough time to read the little blurb on the back page. Even then, I can really only see the books at the libraries I visit.

I am a tourist

                That’s what I am, right now it’s all I am, and it feels great. Death Cab for Cutie’s “You are a tourist” has been my soundtrack for the past eight weeks, and it’s really something I’m living. I never had that strong of a desire to leave the USA, but an opportunity rose, and I took it because I could benefit greatly. Here I am eight weeks after arriving in Metro Manila, just one week from leaving, and it’s where I want to call home.

Ben Gibbard has it right, “When you feel just like a tourist, in the city you were born, it’s time to go.” I finally did leave the town where I was born in. It took me leaving to learn that my hometown broke my heart. Amidst a barrage of family and emotional problems, were little glimmers of hope, egging me on to stay a bit longer. I always listened; I had nowhere else to go.

When there's a doubt within your mind

Because you're thinking all the time

Framing rights into wrongs

Move along, move along

Minus the few good friends, I was distanced from everyone there.  I felt like I didn’t belong there, sometimes like I didn’t belong with my family. It tore me apart to wake up to the same situation as the day before and have nowhere to get away from it. I guess that’s the problem with small towns, there are secluded areas, but everyone knows where they are, where I would be. I spent all my thinking I was the problem. Thinking everything I did was a mistake.

When there's a burning in your heart

An endless yearning in your heart

Build it bigger than the sun

Let it grow, let it grow

                There was a burning in my heart. A burning to outgrow my hometown and the obstacles it put in my way and be my own person. I don’t want to be stuck there. Everyone else lives there, I’m stuck there. Not for long I hope. I don’t have the need to travel, just the need to find a home. Champaign (where my university is) is nice, but it’s too close, I’m afraid a false hope will lead me back. I can’t fall for the silly little things that brought me happiness. There is so much more to be had. Especially for me. That yearning in my heart, it’s all about finding a place to belong, it was growing, but there’s no need anymore.

                I found a place where I belong. Maybe THE place I belong, there’s a lot in the states I haven’t seen. Metro Manila feels right for me. As I’ve said before, they feel like my people, like I belong. And I want to so badly, a place where I can leave all my struggles behind. The only thing is that would mean leaving my friends behind. Nine weeks ago, I was having hard time thinking about traveling to another country. Now all I can think about is how much I want to live here (I'll finish college first). I can only hope the opposite of Death Cab’s statement is true too. If you feel just like a native, in a city where you’re a tourist, it’s time to stay.

I think it’s time to stay.

Come Together, Right Now.

There’s nothing that brings Americans together closer than cheering for someone they’ve never heard of in a sport they watch once every four years. The Olympic spirit is truly magical, of course there’s a competitive tone, but it’s just competition, there’s minimal hate. It’s impressive that countries like North Korea, so intent on shutting out the world willingly participate in these events. There is a bit of a difference for them, but they go to prove they’re strength, as individuals and as a country. It’s like the world is at a standstill when there’s global competition, at least compared to normal, there’s a sense of respect for others that rarely exists outside.

Everyone rallies behind their loyalties, whether they live there, or lived there. People we can associate with have spent their whole life to become the very best; we realize this and embrace their dreams, no matter how big. Watching the Olympics is the perfect feel good. Everyone competing is living out a life time goal, and we get to reap benefits from the countless man hours they put in. Anyone watching can connect to the athletes, as humans we tend to put everything we have to dreams that may never come true. It’s really heartwarming when we can witness someone get where they wanted to go.

                All I can say is, it’s a shame it has to end. Yes, I’m big on sports, but year round badminton and skeet shooting may get a little dull. It’s really not the sports that make me love the Olympics. It’s the togetherness; it’s the pride we can share with our nation when an athlete wins.  It is pride we can share around the world, when an athlete breaks a world record. The Olympics prove the ultimate message “When we come together as a world, whether fan, athlete, or coach, we can do things that have never been done before.” It’s just a shame that when it ends, intolerance and disdain will slowly seep back in.

Saturdays

Mostly Saturdays are days to catch up on things I’ve missed during the week. Sleep is the big thing, but so is time to be alone. That’s one of the conditions of being an introvert; you NEED time to be alone with your own thoughts, time to recharge your social batteries. For me, it’s about reflection. Time to think of all the things I did right, things I did wrong, and things I need to start doing better. It’s nice closure for the week. I can keep track of all my actions and reevaluate them with a completely clear head. It’s one of the small things I do to advance myself as far as possible.

                I know Saturdays are full of plans and social interactions, but it’s truly best to take some time for you. Turn off the tv, turn off the cellphone, log out of Facebook and stare at ceiling and think. It’s a dull thought, but once you immerse yourself in it, you won’t want to leave. You can relive all of the tiny victories you had in the last week and truly appreciate them for the first time. This week I felt the real emotion in handwritten notes for the first time in years. It’s a recorded secrecy, a permanent exchange of words and feelings. And they can give you that modest smirk in a public area. When you get time to really read them and hold nothing back in a private area, the words come off even sweeter. Things like that are nice to relive.

                Sometimes there are defeats that you have to relive. It’s best not to dwell here, but it’s important to remember these. You need to build your next week off of your defeats just as much as your victories. Defeats give you something to work towards, while victories give you something to work off of. So take the time to comprehend your mistakes, and spend a little bit more time planning to avoid them.

                In hopes you take my advice, whether introvert or extrovert, I’ll give a few suggestions. Find music you love for reflecting. Not just songs you bob your head to, or music that you love to dance to, but music that you truly love in lyrics and in sound. My soundtrack is Bon Iver, The Tallest Man on Earth, and Death Cab for Cutie. If there’s no texture on the ceiling to stare at, project images of your mind. Better yet, don’t project, paint.

The wrong side of the bed

                It was one of those days where I was struggling at everything. I had no real reason why, I just wasn’t doing well. I was making those silly little mistakes that you scoff at when you see others do it. Sometimes you’re just 24 hours away from being in their shoes, making that same mistake. You can pride yourself on quality and professionalism, but sometimes you can’t fill every crack, you can’t be perfect every day. It sucks, it really does. There’s no other way to say it. Though, it gives you a reason to not judge people by small samples of their life. Days like these can do a lot, either take you back or bring you forward. You can spend the day cautiously avoiding more work because you know it will be frustrating. Or you could pick up more than you can handle and really push yourself past that seemingly unbreakable wall called a bad day. I did most of the former, and I regret it, I thought that less urgency would produce higher quality work, but it doesn’t. No urgency means no drive, no drive means complacency.

                I’m not saying you should come down hard on yourself for performing poorly on a bad day, but you should be aware of the mistakes you made. Take note in what you did wrong and never let it happen again. Institutionalized errors are the downfall of great potential. I should have fought harder to learn more today, I should have tried to break through the slump. I didn’t though, I saw a challenge and I gave up. I didn’t just give up; I gave up and convinced myself that I was still doing something to handle the problem. I was telling myself things are still getting done, even though I know they’re not. That’s the ultimate kind of bad day, broken spirit, broken drive, broken mind, yet you’re suppressing it all. I know next time I see it; I need to instantly identify a bad day and let the mistakes happen for a bit, but become aware of them. I need to adapt. That’s why the best become the best, because no matter how many times there’s a change in plans, they change with it. Mike Tyson summed it up “Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.” There’s a few option after that. 1.you can fall down now, 2. take a few more punches and fall down later, or 3. put up your guard, bob and weave a little bit then throw that right hook you’ve been working on. Annnnnnnddd that’s the first sports analogy of the blog.

Language Barriers

I've been in the Philippines for six weeks now. It's raining all the time, so no beach, but I still love it. These really are my people. There's more of a mutual understanding between people than in the US. Majority of the people also speak English, but sometimes I'm left without a way to communicate. That becomes extremely frustrating, I usually don't do this, but I recommend the book, "A Man Without Words" I don't recall the author, but it's about a man born deaf that was never taught sign language. He had no way to communicate, but still survived for twenty some years until he learned to sign. It is the first assigned book that I truly enjoyed. I'm picking up bits and pieces of Tagalog, but it's hard. A lot harder than people claim. Immersion is doing very little. I guess I'm a little biased though.

I have a hard time learning new languages, because I simply love English so much. How can I spend time on another language when I can still learn something new about English every day? Especially American slang, it seems so juvenile and uneducated, but it's how my generation can communicate to just my generation. It's weird, but the way English (any language) can be adapted to different people is so beautiful. I guess, to me learning a language is falling in love. You can fall in love any given amount of times, and you actually can be in love with more than one person at a time. Yet, there's something about that first love, you never really want to let go. Like in language you can learn any amount of languages, and you can actively and fluently speak more than one language at a time. Yet that first language you learn, you hold on to very strongly, even if you're never around  it anymore.

The Ultimate Motivation

There’s a lot of reason behind everything I do. Of course, it almost never comes to mind. So I spent today thinking of my greatest motivation.  Here’s what I wrote down.

It’s hard to pinpoint. A lot of the time it’s love. I do things for love that I would never do for anything else. That’s just a human condition though. There’s motivation there to change who I am for the person I love. In a sense, love is the wrong motivation if it’s for change.

                Then there’s expression. As a writer, what I want to do is express myself and hope some one understands. I have a huge drive for words to be read by millions of people. There’s a false perception that my words will make them love me. That would mean that love still motivates me here. In the end, I don’t wake up in the morning for either love or expression.

                I spent a lot of free time working out. So maybe health is a great motivator. Not alone though, in high school I was never an athlete. In fact I was cut from the tennis team three years in a row. So when I had a chance to prove myself at an athletic level in college Ultimate, I did everything I could to get better. I can’t say I want to be healthy just to be healthy. There’s a second motivation behind that, self-worth. My health is proof to everyone that I am good enough to be an athlete.

                Finally, my education is big. I mean I spend $30,000 a year on it. I love it, though. Finance is something I truly enjoy. I can help people feel secure about their future. Security is something I haven’t gotten to experience.  I want to make sure that no one has to experience such strong pain from something that can be so easy to keep track of. There’s so much more than just my education that I worry about.

                I came to the conclusion that improvement is my ultimate motivator. Every day I want to wake up and love more, express more, be healthier, and learn more. I want to be a better person than I was yesterday. When days get rough, I can take comfort in the fact I am not a different person from the past, but just simply a better person. In every way I can imagine, I’ve improved, just because I have more drive. I’ve always had the heart to get where I am, but there was never the drive. Now that I found it in everything I do, there’s no looking back.

My vacation in a critical view.

    I normally live in the United States, but this summer I went on an adventure. I am currently residing just outside Metro Manila with some of my family in the Philippines. I've only spent a few weeks out of my whole life here, but I feel like belong. Filipinos are just as much my people as Americans. There is a language barrier, but I get by, and majority speak English anyway.
Life is calmer here, even in the big cities. Yes, people have places to go, but here the flow isn't ruined by a few assholes. It just feel like a kind of place where I can walk into a restaurant, not purchase a thing, steal wifi for hours, walk out the door and get a "salamat" (thank you) from the door guard.
     The economics major in me has just a few problems though. Social inequality is a big one. A lot of people live out of temporary structures on the the side of the road. The problem is there's no help from the government, and that really puts pressure on finding money from other sources. There's hundreds of street peddlers, and sketchy looking  food/retail stalls along the way. You can say they put themselves in that situation, but they really didn't. There is a public school system, but there's not enough teachers or classrooms. It's easy to be forgotten in those situations. Education is such an unimportant thing when you don't know when you'll get to eat next. Since the labor is uneducated, they don't get paid much, and the cycle continues for generations. Outside of that, the private/higher level public schools are executed very well. That is why there is a less prevalent middle class.
     The other thing is just general infrastructure. The population is about twice as dense with half the amount of roads as any metropolitan area in the US . And a lot of the roads are placed poorly with no legitimate draining system. Also stop signs are a suggestion and the whole system relies on designated u-turn areas. Traffic enforcement is almost nonexistent.
     The point is, the Philippines is in an economic boom. In fact, they are on the fast track to having one of the largest GDP's in the world. Now is the time to work on the things everywhere, not just the urban ares. Improved roads will increase business efficiency and attract more tourists.  Reforming the education system is also important, a lot of intelligence has gone unnoticed because they never had the opportunity. If education reform doesn't start soon, they'll hit a production/efficiency ceiling, they're gaining capital (human, financial and resource) yet the actual quality of the human capital is lagging (intellectual capital). They can continue to add more human capital to expand, but eventually it will slow because they'll run out of resources to add more people, so the only way to expand past that is to improve the efficiency of the labor.One  way is to just raise wages, because workers will feel pressured to perform better. That creates some problems, though. It's easiest to just start hiring from a smarter pool of applicants, which would be the effect of education reform.

I want to say words that make you feel things

      As an aspiring author, I've realized that being a New York Times bestseller isn't very likely. Especially since I never finish a story. Maybe it's that I'm neurotic, or I see no point of finishing something that I know is flawed. It might not be neuroticism. Stress isn't a big thing in my life. Perfectionist isn't really the term either. It could just be introversion. It sucks that introversion has the ability to affect my writing too. Though, it brings a level of thought/sarcasm that I like to think is unique to me. No one has ever commended my writing for it's "correct punctuation and proper sentence structure." Back to the topic, I no longer want to be a famous writer, or say something to inspire a generation. I want to say words that make you feel things.
     I want my sentences to be new. I want to make you think like you've never thought before. I want you to misinterpret my words. Take what you want from what I say, I have no problem with that.
     There's beauty in brevity. There's also beauty in vagueness. The truth is, sometimes it is only about what you're saying and not how you're saying it.
     I hope by now, I've entertained at least some new thought on writing. Or maybe the title has had you caught up in vagueness. There's no sentimental value to the statement, there's no real literary devices, and it's not a new idea. It's just a new light shining on the same old desire. and it's not a very creative light, but it still has it's beauty.